consumerism wow: the further misadventures of Mitty Matt

In a completely failed attempt to do a double-super Consumerism WOW holidextravaganza, Adam and I have posted dual (dueling?) January episodes! The followup to my post has been up for a whole week and I'm a bad consumer-friend is up on Adam's blog! Here's a preview:


Thing #1


Lauren: You are teaching your cat to speak and read English with help from a kitty that she’ll identify with! ….Adam, this is a very bad idea.

Adam: No, it’s a great idea! Then she can stop just mindlessly whining and actually communicate her wants and needs and… all right perhaps this will end badly. But I must try. For science!


Thing #3


Lauren: Is – is this why you’re teaching your cat how to read? You did not tell me that kitty had to get an eye patch.

Adam: Kitty does not need an eye patch, I would never let my cat be harmed like that! No this is for, uhm, my good friend… Mitty. Mitty Matt. He, uhm, was walking around, pacing really, while I was doing experiments and now he needs an eye patch. Mitty Matt. Who already speaks English and can read because he is human and not a cat.


Click through to Adam's blog to read the rest! I can very nearly promise that no cats were harmed in the writing of this episode. It's likely that at least one was severely annoyed, and that a dog who was raised in the wild by cats felt slightly neglected for having not been mentioned again, but c'est la vie d'un chien instruit dans le sauvage par des chats. (I got that translation from babelfish. I don't know any French that isn't food & cooking vocabulary. I hope I haven't just inadvertently called anyone's grandmother a transitive sausage or something.)

And hey, the book featured as Thing #1 is no longer available in print, but it's being offered as a digital download for only 2 American dollars! Friends, this is the future of the publishing industry we're looking at right here.

consumerism WOW: post-holiday patterns of villainy

SO. As I began the process of publishing this episode of Consumerism WOW (in which the gig is this: I provide a list of shiny things, Adam P. Knave guesses why I want them, and I tell you why he's wrong), it came to my attention that many of you failed to procure holiday gifts for me. An unintentional oversight or postal mishap, I am sure! Whatever your reason, excuse, "legally" binding contract, or commitment to The Sleeping Elder Gods of the Deep that has prevented you from giving me something, I forgive you. Perhaps you were merely wanting for a gift idea! Here's 10, slackers. My birthday is May 29th. Perhaps you can get it together before then, hmm?**



Thing #1


Adam: This is a secret warning to people who want to bring you food that, in actuality, you eat tiny bits throughout the day. NOM. NOM. NOM.

Lauren: Well, that's true! And very much exactly how hypoglycemia works. But mostly I just want one of the smaller notebooks because, despite having a blog and a job on the Intarwebs, I'm better at thinking on paper than I am on a keyboard.


Thing #2


Adam: Ahh I see someone made a graphical representation of your dream journal, Lauren! How did you convince them to do that?

Lauren: I had the anthropomorphic dream cupcakes send the artist a fax! Durr. Did you not realize that cakefax goes both ways?


Thing #3


Adam: You want to lay this out and then tell people "Oh no, it's just sugar. For your coffee," and then sit and snicker as they find out it is le spicy.

Lauren: I would never do that to coffee! But Adam, I'm running out of ways to shock people with my baked goods. They're used to me putting meat in cookies already. I need to step up my game. (Also, I would totally do that to chai or hot cocoa.)


Thing #4


Adam: Whenever you open a hoodie. Wherever you need to get in a bag. Each time you unzip your pants. They'll be there. Tiny donuts. And you can tug at them, to ease your pain of not having real donuts to eat.

Lauren: That is also exactly how hypoglycemia works. (C'mon, they're such cute donuts! And one of them is sad 'cause he got ate! And the artist, Heidi Kenney, is fantabulous!)


Thing #5


Adam: Uhm, I hate to be the one to tell you, but not only will this not do anything to keep the rain off, but if you use it in sunlight to protect your oh-so-dear-lord-get-some-sun skin you'll just tan in a lacy pattern.

Lauren: I don't tan, I burn and then peel to white. But I suppose I wouldn't want to burn in a lacy patter, either. I appreciate your advice, and promise I'll only use it as a sunblock on cloudy days. (Though mostly, I want it as a defensive weapon and skeletal accessory.)


Thing #6


Adam: We need no reason or excuse for booze. Carry on.

Lauren: I should hope not! Especially for excellent, smokey-leathery scotch-whisky-esque reposado mezcal tequila.


Thing #7


Adam: This is for your crime fighting career as "The Perfume-agator" isn't it? Throwing bombs made of the stuff to mark and later hunt down criminals. Your secret is safe with us, Lauren!

Lauren: That would be the worst plan ever! I would track down the bad guys and they'd smell so nice that I'd just nuzzle them. I would-- be every conflicted, sexually tense superhero ever written. No, I just want to dab a little bit of each of these scents on myself and find The One that makes me smell like sexy cookies served with whiskey-laced tea (Earl Grey, hot).


Thing #8


Adam: Is… is that Hello Kitty's skull? What have you done with Hello Kitty? Hello? Kitty?

Lauren: Not Hello Kitty! It's a calavera -- a skeleton that's excited to be a skeleton 'cause the prevailing cultural belief system of its (previously inclusive) people celebrates and honors it! ....But you can't say that Kitty didn't wouldn't have it coming.


Thing #9


Adam: I'll be honest here, kid, I thought this was made of roe at first and wondered why you wanted to wear eggs. And then it kinda made sense. But that isn't what this is at all and now I wonder why it isn't an egg bracelet.

Lauren: Roe doesn't have the structural integrity to form a bracelet, Adam, that's why. ....Unless maybe you find a way to magnetize them, like organic, squishy Bucky Balls.


Thing #10


Adam: Do you really think that if you smack people hard enough with this that you can leave fun patterns on them? Really?

Lauren: Well I mostly just wanted to leave fun patterns in shortbread cookies which I could then mail to people like you, but y'know, that's a much better idea. I shall be a supervillain with lace-pattered sunburns and shortbread-patterned victims, and the world shall tremble before my fearsome patterns of destruction!


Until next time, my dear consumers! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAcough!





**Taking a quick step back (up? diagonally?) from Consumerism WOW, I just wanted to put in that while I covet many, many commercially available products, the best, most favorite gifts I've received have been handmade by friends & family. No one ever needs to give me stuff. Certainly, no one ever needs to buy me stuff. (But if you're gonna, I would earnestly appreciate owning any of the things I mention in any Consumerism WOW episode.)

i'm not at NYCC (sadface)

But if you're going to New York Comic Con, you should say hi to my friends there and have them sign some books I've edited!



Adam will be there with copies of both I Slept With Your Imaginary Friend and Stays Crunchy in Milk in Booth #349 in the small press area, between Bob Burden and Dr. McNinja. Yes.



Actually, you could stop by Bob Burden's booth while you're there and see if he's got any copies of the Flaming Carrot/Killer Robots crossover photocomics, which I worked on as well.



And if you're there with kids and/or think that bodily functions are kinda hilarious, you should visit Angela of Fierce Fun Toys, who might still be there today at the Laughing Ogre Comics booth (#3016) with copies of Norman PhartEphant: First New Day and bunch of adorable, apologetically rude plush toys.

consumerism WOW: huh it's October

Adam and I somehow lost September. In a tragic accident. Involving gummy fish. Apologies, faithful Consumerism WOW readers! To balm your wounded hearts, we offer this October edition of Consumerism WOW! For those of you who look so confused, a) your keys are probably in the vegetable crisper again and b) Consumerism WOW is where either Adam P. Knave or myself (in this case, myself) professes desire for several commercially available products, then the other of us (in this case, Adam) tries to guess why the first person wants said products. And the guesser is usually so wrong that we then threaten their pets with sporks.



Thing #1



Adam: You want this "Phantom" quartz bullet in order to shoot The Phantom Menace. I can see it now -- you with a sniper rifle, one bullet, and only Jar Jar between you and a shitty trilogy ending for all time.

Lauren: No! Well, yes. Well, I mostly want this because I think that turning something functional and potentially violent into pretty jewelry is nifty, and also you can't prove that I've been playing so much Halo: Reach just to practice my sniper skills. Also, no jury of my peers would convict me (unless they were 6-year olds, and this is precisely why we don't let 6-year olds sit for jury duty).



Thing #2



Adam: Are you saying you're stressed, Lauren? Is that a jab at our working relationship? Do I stress you? Are you stressing at me? Are you? Because I don't see anyone else here.

Lauren: I like to think that I'm not stressing at you, but rather with you. There is no "I" in "Oh fuckcakes, when were we supposed to have that done?"



Thing #3



Adam: The steampunk controller is pretty cool, but looks like it would hurt your thumbs. Why do you want to make people hurt their thumbs, Lauren? WHY?

Lauren: I'd rather people hurt their thumbs than have to live without video games merely for having been born in the Victorian era. Also this shirt has a bit of design on the back as well as the front! Comprehensive use of the whole t-shirt canvas is important to me.



Thing #4



Adam: I 100% approve of this. Just, you know, watch out for really pale men in Hawaiian shirts knocking on your door late at night, 'k Babs?

Lauren: I always do! (A good friend of mine taught me that much.) Just to be clear, you mean this guy, right?



Thing #5



Adam: I can not approve of this. It is not a real bee. I thought, perhaps, it was a real bee. Cast in metal. Cast down! But no. It is a wireframe bee. A faux bee. Which is close to a Flow-Bee. Which is even worse. So no. I do not know why you would want a flow-bee. Perhaps you like Tron?

Lauren: No no, I want this jewelry because when I'm wearing it, people who want to flirt with me can say, "I like my women like I like my coffee -- covered in bees!" And also because I love bees.



Thing #6



Adam: I enjoy how the handles look like wooden mustaches. I just thought I would throw that out there so that if you ever got this bag you would forever think it. I say things like that because I care, Lauren. But as to why you want it, well, that much is obvious. But I will tell you right now you're wrong. You can not smuggle kittens in that bag.

Lauren: I don't think there has ever been a mustachioed purse, ever, in the entire existence of the Universe, that has been more suited to smuggling kittens. C'mon, they could keep themselves entertained by playing with the beaded tassels! Don't you try to ruin my most-adorable-ever smuggling ring.



Thing #7



Adam: Oh great. I know you want this because you think it will go with your steampunk corset and jodhpurs. However, it will also end with far too many people asking to taste. And your baseball bat arm will get tired. Just a thought. Respect the swinging arm.

Lauren: But you forget, I will have a tortuous yet intriguing game controller with me. When people start to ask for tastes, I distract them with the controller and then their thumbs are bleeding too much for them to think about saying inappropriate things.



Thing #8



Adam: You want this ring because it symbolizes both Captain Planet and Jem for you, at the same time. Bravo.

Lauren: ....Well now that you mention it, yes. This ring is clearly From The '80s, and therefore fabulous. Radical. Tubular?



Thing #9



Adam: So are pixel fossils from 8-bit game monsters? Are you a video game archeologist? 8-bit-ana Jones? Wow, that line was bad enough I won't snark at this shirt. Sorry. Next.

Lauren: First off, this shirt has a glow-in-the-dark pixelated T-rex on it, you shouldn't snark at it anyway. Secondly, check out those tiny little glow-in-the-dark pixely T-rex arms! They're so vestigial and becoming! I think that's a trend that genetics should bring back.



Thing #10



Adam: Look, Lauren, I know you liked Finding Nemo, mmmkay, but this is a sickness. Stop getting your fishpron on. It's upsetting. And it makes us wonder about lobster suits and raise eyebrows.

Lauren: It's clearly not fishpron, it's tragic, star-crossed merpeople lurve! I hope that by next month you'll have grown enough, heartwise, to realize the value in unbees, cute contraband, and emo merpeople.


And so, with a challenge issued and sleep to be had, we leave you each on your own in the consumer-Internet wilderness for another month! Be brave out there, intrepid readers!

Popgun, Fierce Fun, and Twithulhu

Hey, so congratulations to D. J. Kirkbride, Adam P. Knave, and lots of other people who I'm not friends with (yet?!) who worked on Image comics' Popgun Volume 3 for winning a freakin' Eisner award this past weekend. (All I did this weekend was throw a party, discover what's potentially a watermelon plant growing in the middle of the front lawn, and fail at making creme caramel. I feel relatively unproductive.) This is what the cover of Popgun Volume 3 (with art by Tara McPherson) looks like:



And this is what a link to a place where you can purchase it looks like:

Holy whoa, a link!


I've been busy these past couple weeks working with Adam on his upcoming book, I Slept With Your Imaginary Friend, which'll be a compilation of essays and short fiction. And on a few different projects with Fierce Fun Toys, which is growing and learning and sneezing and hiccuping and, yes, still occasionally farting.


Oh, and Adam & I did another episode of Consumerism WOW, hosted on his blog this month:

Thing #2


Lauren: I… I don’t want any of the Elder Gods using Twitter. It’s bad enough as it is! I mean. ReTweets and pronfollows and foursquare are enough to drive anyone mad already. Are you one of Twithulhu’s cultists? Is that why you want this shirt? Fess up.

Adam: Cultist is such a strong word. We prefer “Empire-Building Joy Minion” these days. Besides when Twithulhu comes and devours the souls of everyone on twitter who will notice?


Click through to Adam's blog to see the rest! [The Twithulhu shirt is a special edition that might disappear forever at the end of July, so order one now if you like it! And order this one in medium if you're getting one for me. (Merely a suggestion!)]

consumerism WOW: instructions and illusions

Somehow, Adam P. Knave and I BOTH found time to look at things available for purchase on the Internet! And then discuss the things we looked at and kinda insult each other! (Don't worry, kids -- we're just foolin'.) For the record, these are all things that I sorta totally want. And after Adam guesses why I want them, I'll explain to you why he's never been wronger.

A note of warning: This edition of Consumerism WOW includes items with vulgar words written on them! If you're offended by that sort of thing, you might want to consider an alternative news & entertainment source than a) my blog specifically right now and b) the Internet probably all the time.


Thing #1


Adam: When Lauren wants to get her drank on, that kid don't play! See what I did there? Yeah you do. You want this shirt just so you can be as clear as humanly possible. When it's time for you to drink, don't bring you no problems.

Lauren: Drankin’ is serious business when you’re me! I only have a tequila and a half worth of booze to avail myself of during any given “booze time” before I’ll start giggling and having to lean on things and otherwise being useless. I cannot afford to be careless when booze time begins, as the general public should be made aware.



Thing #2


Adam: Why do you keep trying to convince people the cake is a lie, Lauren? Why? The cake is real. I was told so myself. Why must you help spread lies? Don't you trust GLaDOS? DON'T YOU?

Lauren: I tend to be SLIGHTLY less trustful of people who try to set me on fire. You should know that and also stop trying to fax me lit matches.



Thing #3


Adam: Sometimes after you get your drink on you wake up confused, and yet hungry. So you want this to remind you how to cook meat - the Ellis Way. Perhaps you should have less to drink and more cake?

Lauren: My wacky hypoglycemia pretty much means that cake DOES make me drunk. (Except cake that’s a lie. That cake is okay for even hypoglycemics to eat.) So your plan would still lead to me waking up hungry & desiring instructions on how to fix said hunger. Except I’d never cook steak that way, even impressionably hung over from booze/cake, ‘cause I like steak rare. I think I want this so that I can hang it on the wall and then when people bug me while I’m baking I can point to it emphatically, and they’ll wander off and read it and maybe their heads will explode a little, and I’ll be left to bake in peace.



Thing #4


Adam: You secretly love the Tick and Arthur and hope that's what everyone thinks of when they see this. It's all good, We all love Arthur, Lauren.

Lauren: I. Oh holy spoon that TOTALLY looks like Arthur’s head! No wonder Rapture was so weird, it was full of The Tick cosplayers! But no really, I just think merch that isn’t also an overt advertisement is ultra classy.



Thing #5


Adam: See? CAKE! Totally not a lie! Asparagus cake though may not be recommended. Why would you try to eat asparagus cake, Lauren? Do you need to remember how to cook again?

Lauren: No no, this is another clear example of the cake being a lie. Asparagus cake is not cake. The Cake is actively lying to me. I’m trying to start a t-shirt collection with a theme. (They’ve never tried to set me on fire though, which gives them one up on SOME murderous robots and authors I know.)



Thing #6


Adam: Does this shirt admit that Mario is a little commie? I mean... does it? Is that what you're trying to say? That you think Nintendo is a commie hive of scum and villainy? Are you secretly working for GLaDOS after all?

Lauren: I just think it’s important for Miyamoto-san to be recognized as the invincible revolutionary that he is! I haven’t asked about Mario’s political leanings. Also, if I don't trust GLaDOS to not set me on fire, I definitely don't trust her to get me my paychecks on time. ALSO, I like communists! Haven’t we previously determined that you’re a communist?



Thing #7


Adam: You like to confuse people, don't you? People who stare at your chest. You want them confused. So that you can brain 'em but good. We all see through your plan.

Lauren: There is no part about your statement that isn’t true. I’m glad everyone’s cottoned on to it, though! It’s more of a challenge to brain people when they’re prepared for it, and I enjoy challenges that involve braining.



Thing #8


Adam: So let's recap. You had too much to drink. You forgot how to cook and think cake is a lie. Then you ask Warren Ellis "How do I make meat edible?" and yet you still long for something and it isn't asparagus cake. So you need to go next door, say, and deal with shit. Take shit into your own hands. But... again with the too much to drink and what order and oh, look, a handy map. You like t-shirts and such that tell you how to do things. You like them a little TOO much.

Lauren: How can a person like wearable instructions too much?? They’re helpful reminders AND excellent ways to not be naked in public, BOTH. I like being knowledgeable and clothed even more than I like communists.



Thing #9


Adam: Bad. Ass. Editing. Poster. I got nothing but love and respect for that.

Lauren: ^____^ I want to hang this in my office so that I can be the badass envy of all the other copy editors.



Thing #10


Adam: Wait, what? No. Why do you want a panda case that looks like a penis? Penis panda holds your eye makeup? And pens? What? No. Just... no. Explain yourself, Lauren! And do not blame the drink!

Lauren: Can I blame Warren Ellis’s meat, then? No? hrm. I think I’ll blame YOU for introducing the idea that sometimes Tarepanda totally does look like a penis. The panda and I were innocent before we met you, Adam. Are all communists so Freudian all the time?


And then Adam wandered away to go find images of genitalia hidden in everyday objects, and I took a lot of vitamin C and hoped really really hard that I was NOT in fact getting a cold on the day of my birthday party, which also happened to be the day before I flew to Virginia for my cousin's wedding. Happy consuming, folks!

Finch & Knave, live on stage 5-14-10

ATTN: People of Atlanta:

If you've been wondering whether this Adam P. Knave cat who I keep talking about working with actually exists in three full dimensions, here's your opportunity to find out! In an exclusive, one-night-only engagement, Mr. Knave will be performing readings of his works and other verbal shenanigans on stage at Java Monkey, the independently owned café and beer bar nestled snug against the social spine of Decatur. He'll be accompanied by one Juliana Finch, who will delight the assembly via her wit and vocal works, being armed only with her vim, verve, and an acoustic guitar.

These wonders, having been Christianed "Forgive Us Our Bus Passes", will begin at 8 o'clock in the evening of Friday, the 14th of May, in this year of minor miracles, 2010! The show is free and open to the public, limited only by the local capacity laws. Come one, come all!

meanwhile, back at the taqueria

Life has been making it hard to blog! All good stuffs -- dinners with friends and trips to Jacksonville and pokings at projects for Angela and Christopher. I've got a bunch of half-finished food posts to toss at ya over the next several days. Meanwhile, a couple things I missed telling you about:

Adam started posting the rest of the Burrito Blade story on Monday, in short-story format. New bits will be posted every Monday/Wednesday/Friday until we're done.

Adam also posted our newest joint Consumerism Wow venture -- here's a quick preview.

Thing #2


Lauren: First off, can I say that I love how ThinkGeek filed this under “Tech Jewelry”? I love that. But you want this not only because of cute labeling. You want this because the Evil got into your hand, it went “bad”, you had to lop it off, and now you’re stuck in the past where you don’t have access to chainsaw fuel. So you’re going to make this sucker mechanical and fight some more of the Evil dead. Except I’m not sure how you’re getting Internet access in the past, and come to think of it, this is really not the first thing I’d order online if I were trying to fight Evil with temporally limited resources. Not very clever, Adam.

Adam: Oh sure, use my remaining Internet Into The Future time to berate me for my ordering choices. Nice one. No, silly. I want this so that when I go around dope slapping people upside the head it will be a Dope Slap of Dooooom. Dooooooooooom, I tell you! None shall mess with DOOM! Damn that Richards! DAMN HIM TO… Oh, sorry, where was I?

Click through to Adam's blog to see the rest!

alas, poor Burrito

Many of you who read Burrito Blade, the webcomic drawn by Renato Pastor that I've been editing for and sometimes co-writing with Adam P. Knave for the past year or so, have probably already heard the news: we're not going to be able to continue doing the comic anymore. It feels sad and strange for us to cut our readers off in the middle of a storyline, so we're working on getting the rest of the story out of Adam's head and onto a computer, and we should start posting those abridged storybits at BurritoBlade.com next week.

Working on BB has been an adventure for all of us -- it was the first epic, episodic, ongoing project that any of us had taken part in. I browse through the archives and can see all three of us growing, stretching, and growing again in loops of ever-increasing awesomancy. The story morphed along with us, and our own characters surprised us. I think that in some ways, Burrito Blade outgrew us. I wish I could hit the reset button and start the whole project over again with the experience and confidence that I've gained from working on it -- I feel like I could do it such better justice now.

There'll be new rad projects to bend those skills to, but I'll miss Burrito Blade. Here's sending all the soft tortilla-wrapped thanks in the world to Adam and Renato for having me on the project, with a spicy side of gratitude to Maria and D. J. for having our backs.

And hey, thank you, reader, for making room for our story in your life. I hope we'll be able to give you a new one to fill the gap we're leaving, and soon.

the writing process as it relates to interdimensional kittens and moneyhats

One terrific thing about knowing Adam P. Knave is that sometimes, during the course of normal conversation, perhaps after discussing ReBoot but before anyone brings up the business you're actually supposed to be talking about, some word or phrase will Happen. And it'll Happen in the way that it expands with incredible speed and mass, Universe-style, until it's a whole idea. And you'll bat this huge idea-thing back and forth with Adam like the interdimensional kittens that both of you are, and then drop it suddenly and pervasively and get down to the business at hand.

But that idea-thing will still be floating around out there, and Adam's way of reminding you of its continued existence involves contacting people who can draw, asking them if they'd like to work on a new comic book involving the idea-thing, and getting those people to say "yes". So, though a bit mystified about what's happening to your life, you'll find yourself writing and editing bits of comic book script in your spare time, and then using those bits along with Adam's to form a complete script, and then emailing the script to whatever agreeable drawing person he's found. And then, following the artist's recovery from rickets as appropriate, you'll receive mere sketches -- simple layouts -- from that artist, based on the script that you and Adam wrote, that will make you all at once (A) unspeakably excited about this project-thing, as you began to think of it while you were writing the script, and (B) unalterably certain that you're unable to say anything about to anyone yet because, really, it's still just an idea-thing, even if it has the mass and size and brain it needs to convince you it's a project-thing.

So all you can do is write obtuse and roundabout things regarding the creative process on your blog, and hope that soon, sooner than soon, the wonderful drawing person will send you & Adam whole complete pages that you'll be able to submit to a publisher who will say, "How terrific! I was just hoping that I would receive a comic book just like this! Fred, wasn't I just hoping that? Oh, don’t mind Fred, his iguana ate his neighbor's cat this morning and he's very distraught, even though the cat was a mean-spirited creature and absolutely deserved what it got, and Fred's neighbor has gone on record with the Times saying that she was going to have the cat put down tomorrow for biting her so repeatedly. Fred's just sensitive. But yes! Your comic book! Thank you for submitting it. I'm going to publish it and we shall make such fabulous amounts of money that we shall all pay off our debts and have enough cash left over to fold up and wear as hats! And so we will be loved and celebrated for not only our artistic endeavors, but also for our extremely sharp and modern moneyhats."

I'll tell you when I get that call.

While you're waiting, breath held or otherwise, you should maybe go read some comics and things by Gabe and Tycho of Penny Arcade, without whom I might not have thought to write about moneyhats.

consumerism WOW it's december already

It's time, friends and colleagues, for a precociously holiday-themed edition of Consumerism Wow! Fellow Awesomancer and t-shirt lover Adam P. Knave and I have teamed up again to tell you about why we like some things -- not just t-shirts, this time! -- that we think you will like, too.

Part 1 of this veritable thing-liking extravaganza can be found here, on Adam's blog. Click through if you'd like to see some of the things that I think you should consider purchasing, along with Adam's completely vaguely super-incorrect reasons for why I think so. The following is Part 2: Adam's picks, and my explanations for why he likes them! Perhaps you should read about them now?


THINGY #1

Lauren: Oh man! Someone illustrated that fanfic you wrote and put the picture on a t-shirt? Is there a picture on the back of you as the zombie leader of the zombie-Harlem Globetrotters?

Adam: No there isn't and I'm rather ups... HEY! Nice try but you won't get me to admit my zombie-doo fanfic writing ways THAT easily!


THINGY #2

Lauren: Branding for fictional corporations is the best kind of branding, 'cause you don't have to feel guilty about how they treat their employees or source their materials 'cause they're all fictional. Also, you can't stop dreaming about electric sheep. And Rutger Hauer.

Adam: Rutger Hauer is a fine, fine looking man. You know, I wonder how Blade-Doo-Runner would go...


THINGY #3

Lauren: You want to remind people that real vampires can sparkle and be adorable if they damn well want to.

Adam: Exactly. Except for the sparkly bit. And the adorable bit. Also the vampire bit, if you want to be picky. I mean... yeah. But otherwise? Spot on!


THINGY #4

Lauren: You're just hoping that people will do weird shit around you so that you can turn them into characters and plot devices in your writing.

Adam: I don't need them to do anything special for that. No I just want the cover. The more people out there causing trouble the less my own schemes will be noticed and stopped. I just want to use society as a looky loo. Is that so wrong?


THINGY #5

Lauren: Aww, this one is actually really sweet. Unless by “things” you mean “more post-zombie-apocalyptic Scooby Doo self-insertion fanfiction.”

Adam: Why would I mean that? I mean, who would ever... what makes you think that? YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING, LAUREN!


THINGY #6

Lauren: I don't care why you want this. If you saved all of your NES and Genesis came cartridges, and all that stands between me and the most badass throwdown marathon of Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers and Bubble Bobble is the purchase of this gadget and a plane ticket, I'm coming to your apartment in 3 to 5 processing & shipping days.

Adam: I was thinking of buying a few of my old carts back, actually. Yer on, Spanky!


THINGY #7

Lauren: They didn't have a Duck Dodgers statuette?

Adam: Oh, see, now that's just mean, that is. It's Buck! The original space badass! We don't mock Buck, we just don't. That's like mocking the baby Jeebus.


THINGY #8

Lauren: Okay clearly this is a joke shirt 'cause we've already discussed that if you could travel back in time, you'd be wearing really sleek suits and drinking martinis in the 60's, not hanging out here & now wearing t-shirts. You want this shirt so you can throw rival time travelers off your space-time scent.

Adam: Well that was the plan until you ruined it! If it wasn't for you and those zombie kids!


THINGY #9

Lauren: Shiny bits of plastic to taunt your kitty with from a high-standing shelf! Before you make this purchase, I recommend making sure that kitty hasn't built a jetpack based on the design from that Buck Rogers statuette.

Adam: My cat could not use a jetpack. She has no thumbs. I gave her one, to make sure, and she just licked it and sat on it. She has no interest in flying.


THINGY #10

Lauren: Oh, nevermind, with this you will have all the protection your shiny bits of plastic will need from evil bejetpacked kitty. Kitty will be easily subdued! This is a titanium folding kitty-incapacitation system! PLUS it will be a handy tool for eating with when I serve you some delicious homemade kittypop tarts that are too fresh and hot to pick up!

Adam: Can we please do a comic - Jetpack Kitty vs The Spork? Like, serious please? C'mon. No, wait, why are you running away, Lauren? Was it something I said?


And other than posting this evidence of why she fled, Lauren the grammarmonkey was never seen nor heard from again. Happy Consumer Holidays, folks!