thanksgiving panic planning

Thanksgiving is next week! I'm shocked, frankly, shocked. And trying to come up with something to bake.

Traditionally I've done a linzer torte, which is like a very large spiced almond cookie with raspberry jam-type filling and pain-in-the-tuchus latticework on top -- but my dear family nouveau includes a child with a nut allergy, so I figure that probably, grinding a bunch of almonds into airborne powder in their kitchen would be rude.

A couple years back I made my other favorite holiday dessert, my mother's apple cake (which I posted a pear riff on awhile back -- most of my friends dislike cooked apples). I'm bored with that, though! Hello, my name is Lauren and I am Short Attention Span Theater.

This pear-butterscotch pie, which The Kitchn kindly pointed me towards, is a serious contender. The only Thing about it is that I hate pastry crust. Hate. Seriously. Don't tell me it's not that hard. The salt in my pie crusts comes from my tears of suffering and humiliation. Yes, even the storebought kind. Hate. Pastrycrust.

This is also the Thing about this s'mores pie, which also sounds wondermous.

Perhaps I shall grow some lady-balls and make one of these happen.

Unless you have any better, non-pastry-crust-related suggestions?

consumerism wow: Adam's picks

Last time on Consumerism Wow, fellow Awesomancer and t-shirt lover Adam P. Knave told you why I like some t-shirts and I told you why he was wrong -- and now, gentle readers, the tables have turned! Here are 10 shirts that Adam's coveting right now, and my completely accurate ideas of why he wants them. Pay no attention to his flimsy rebuttals! He knows I'm right. He knows it deep in his Hello Kitty earring.


SHIRT #1

Lauren: You live in the space between joy and melancholy! Wearing this will be like normal other people wearing t-shirts from their high school, college, or plucky local athletic team.

Adam: My athletic team, The NY Death-Bringers What Bring Death, are VERY plucky thank you. This shirt just reminds me that sometimes you're in that little slice of Meh and all you can do is go meh about it.


SHIRT #2

Lauren: You always sort of thought that Han Solo would make a better band frontman than a smuggler (a short punt, as he really is the galaxy's worst smuggler), and you're so happy to see him finally finding some kind of life fulfillment that you want to support him by wearing this t-shirt. You're a good friend to fictional characters, Adam.

Adam: Close, but really I feel whenever Han is on screen Eddie van Halen should be playing, instead of that instrumental score they have for Star Wars. Han running down a hallway from Stormtroopers? Hot for Teacher! Han flying through an asteroid field? Panama!


SHIRT #3

Lauren: Oh, easy. You want this shirt as a bitter reminder to never challenge Chuck Norris to a roundhouse contest when you've both been drinking and innocent bystanders are innocently standing nearby.

Adam: You can not prove that happened. At all. Because it didn't happen. And that guy was fine, later. I mean, what guy? There was no guy. You know why? Because this never happened.


SHIRT #4

Lauren: From what I understand about you, pretty much all you do is make secret plans. And then sometimes carry them out. This t-shirt belonged to you before it was ink-printed cotton, when it was a mere dream of a t-shirt in the mind of a madman.

Adam: It's true. Though I minorly object to "sometimes carry them out." I always carry them out. Sometimes they just fail, you see.


SHIRT #5

Lauren: Y'know I always think it's cute that you put little warnings up on your blogs about how your work probably contains mature content, 'cause while yeah, you sometimes curse like a sailor and display crude or graphic images, most of the time you're just talking about Jem or Dazzler or Hello Kitty or princesses or pretty things that sparkle. Though I suppose it's sweet of you to want this shirt so that you can warn people about that, too.

Adam: I... I so want to argue this point with you but... you know. Jem and Dazzler and Hello Kitty are awesome, so there.


SHIRT #6

Lauren: The real party is that you weren't writing in the 1950's and therefore will never be blacklisted by the McCarthy administration unless you finally work out how to time-travel and foolhardily attempt to live the fabulous life promised you in Leave It to Beaver and Mad Men! Party on indeed, you pinko-Commie motherlicker.

Adam: I actually do own this shirt, I must admit. And I wore it recently, while out of town. In line for some food a guy starts talking to me, in Russian. Excitedly. After a while of me just smiling and nodding and him going on in Russian and laughing, he switched to English. He was just fucking with me, asking if I was a communist, in Russian, due to the shirt. Just sayin'.


SHIRT #7

Lauren: You want this shirt because you play tennis, right? Adam? Right? Um. Should I be wearing a HazMat suit or something?

Adam: Yes. I play tennis. That is it exactly. Come closer. It's safe. I just... play tennis.


SHIRT #8

Lauren: I was born in 1982, so everything I know about Gary Coleman comes from Avenue Q, so my guess on why you like this shirt is gonna be even more tenuous than the others. Um. You want this shirt because. You. Are what Willis was talkin' 'bout? And because you enjoy schadenfreude and agree that everyone's a little bit racist?

Adam: Now I feel really old. Thanks a lot. I want this shirt because Gary Coleman shouldn't be forgotten. Like Bastille Day. Remember, remember the midget of surrender. The Rich White guy, penthouse, and plot.


SHIRT #9

Lauren: Oh god. You want this shirt because you ARE foolhardily planning on going back in time to live the fabulous life promised you in Leave It to Beaver and Mad Men, but you want to have a contingency plan in case Stuff Goes Wrong.

Adam: Does this mean you don't wanna come along? Mad Men! They dress wonderfully! Also boozins for lunch! What else is there in life?


SHIRT #10

Lauren: Bustin' makes you feel good.

Adam: It's very very true.

The Blood That Bonds

Back when I was just a wee little edit-monkey, fresh out of the English department of the University of Florida, I filled my free time (i.e., the time during which I wasn't glued to Monster.com, dancing at Market Street Pub's free-cover 80's night, or playing some serious Halo 1) with lots of odd editing jobs. I proofread a few novels, including both modern and historical Mormon-slanted romances, pro bono for a vanity press. I worked a couple grammatical kinks out of a comic book or two for my friends the Killer Robots, who were collaborating with (omfg) Bob Burden in a Flaming Carrot crossover at the time, in exchange for a few bucks, a few drinks, and a free ticket to Dragon*Con. But Christopher Buecheler was the first author who actually paid me to proof an actual novel.

It involved vampires and hookers and action and lurve, and I cared for it like it was my own strange little wordbaby. Christopher and I fell out of touch after I worked on the first part of the story -- he was still writing the second part, and we both became busy with our day jobs.

Flash forward 5 years -- past the stints I worked handling nutrition textbook manuscripts, proofreading gay male erotica written by and for women, editing a novel about cartoon cereal mascots, and copyediting all the rheumatology ever -- to about a month ago, which is when I received an e-mail out of the great #0000FF yonder from one Christopher Buecheler. He's launched that first book I worked on, The Blood That Bonds, online, and is currently offering it as a free download in a number of a formats, hoping to manifest the reader and maybe-hopefully-even publisher interest that the story deserves.

He's also convinced Garry Brown to do a lot of really gorgeous artwork for the story & characters.

The Blood That Bonds is an urban horror-ish title along the lines of the Christopher Pike and R. L. Stine novels I loved when I was in high school, and still indulge in via things like Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse series and Mike Carey's Felix Castor books -- it's supernatural, sexy, violent, and filled with equal parts shock value and earnest emotion. If you or a teenager you know thought you might've enjoyed Twilight if all the vampires hadn't had so much sand in their vaginas, you should give The Blood That Bonds a go. It contains 99% less vampiral vagina sand, guaranteed. And for the low, low price of zero American dollars, it's worth at least a download & taste test, right? Right.

[pink ribbon goes here]

I try to walk a tightrope of a line when I'm writing this blog -- I talk about things and people that are quite dear to me, but for the most part, I don't like writing about my own life here. I've got Twitter, Facebook, and other personal outlets for that. So I'm not going to (re)post the bit I wrote about my mother's breast cancer here. If you'd like to read it, it's over at A Southern Fairytale, where the wonderful Rachel hosted a whole month's worth of guest bloggers for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Many thanks to her for providing a space for so many stories and so much empathy.

And, folks: Do a breast exam on yourself, or on boobs that you love, once a month. Every month. Constant vigilance applies to more than just watching out for Voldemort & poisoned pumpkin juice.

A Fight to the Death Recording Studio

So I've got this friend George Wallace. I know him through Phil -- he was one of Phil's roommates. George is one of those maddeningly intelligent people who genuinely enjoys reading Thomas Pynchon novels and can, without particularly exerting himself, play your guitar way better than you can.

It would be more than a little tragic if George weren't in a band, but luckily for all of us, he's in A Fight to the Death, which is in fact a band. Specifically, they're an Atlanta-based band who wear classy suits and think you'll like some accordion, ukulele, banjo, keyboard, and pedal steel with your rock'n'roll. Guys, I am here to tell you that, even accounting for your individualized taste in music, A Fight to the Death is totally correct in this opinion.

Now, it's possible that I'm biased because Mark, CJ, Nathan, Daniel, and George are all awesome guys who are my friends on Facebook and sometimes even in three dimensions, or because they've occasionally used their band tab to keep me in the concert-venue lifestyle to which I have become accustomed (ie, full of whisky&cokes), or because George always says nice things about my snickerdoodles. But mostly they just rock out. Allow me to demonstrate via the use of a bullet list and several Internet hyperlinks.


Audio & video evidence of rocking out (which is important for a music band, am i rite?):

• Download & listen to one of my favorite songs from their LP, "Killdear".


• Preview every song on their LP on cdbaby.com, and maybe pay special attention to "My Name" if you like pretty, moody, heavy songs that remind you of thunderstorms and "What a Great Idea" if you like dancing in your living room and/or breaking up with people.


• Watch a video of "This Fear Is Irrational", which provides evidence that at least some members of the band were probably gypsies at some point, recorded live for haveyouheard.net.


• Watch a recorded-live-from-Corndogorama video of a song, "Echoes", from their upcoming album.

Pictorial evidence of rocking out, captured by Kevin Griggs and with quasi-interactive mouse-over captions by me:





I told you, classy suits.

Now, If you've enjoyed these examples of rocking and are aurally hungry for more, you could purchase their current CD, and/or you could come out to one of their upcoming shows, and/or you could fund the creation of their new album in return for logical & badass thank-you gifts such as a download/physical copy of the currently hypothetical album once it's finished, behind-the-scenes footage of the recording process, previews of new songs, a cover song of your choice performed at a show, or even a private performance from the band (which sounds dirty to me but probably won't be unless you provide them with a great deal of alcohol, and maybe some fancy pasties to match their ties).

They're using Kickstarter.com as a home-base for their fundraiser, and it seems like a pretty hip site! As of right now they're only four hundred and sixty American-Earth dollars away from reaching their goal of $2,000, and they only have 11 more days to raise it! And I want to hear their new album soon, so you should really drop them a couple bucks if a couple bucks is something you've got sitting around.

Stays Crunchy in 3-D!

HEY so I guess I never mentioned it, but check out what I've got in three-dimensional, solid, opaque, paper & ink & binding-glue format?


HI I HELPED MAKE A BOOK AND HERE I AM HOLDING IT.

Smart Shoppers Secrets (a book blog with a funny name), who gave Stays Crunchy an excellent, thoughtful review, interviewed Mr. Knave about writing it. And asked him about me 'cause I have obnoxiously been making my editorial presence known, and he said nice things that you can read here.

Also, hey, if you're an independent book store -- well, congratulations on your sentience and ability to surf the Internet, I hope you're enjoying them as much as I'm enjoying mine. If you're an independent book store employee, manager, owner, other associate, or friend, hark! Adam has 10 copies of Stays Crunchy that he's giving away to independents to read and/or give away themselves and/or sell for retail price & keep the full profits, with the hope that they'll enjoy it and want to stock a few copies. 'Cause he likes independent book stores and wants his readers to support them. Just drop Adam an e-mail (adampknave @ gmail.com) or poke his blog.

Secret: If you're an independent book store person in the Atlanta area, e-mail me or leave a comment here, and I'll drop by your store with a copy of Stays Crunchy, like, today. Bonus points if you're in/near Decatur, but I'm enthusiastic about traveling short distances if you're enthusiastic about the book.

shine on, Philip Clippinger

One of my close friends in town, Phil Clippinger, died in a car accident on the evening of Saturday, September 26th. He was probably on a Target run, getting reading to drive to a Decemberists concert in Athens, but had only gotten a mile away from his house when he was caught in a downpour on a tricky curve of highway on-ramp, hydroplaned, and ran off the road.

That guy dressed as the Joker in the picture of me as Harley from last Halloween? That's Phil.



I'm so glad I have this silly picture.

We're a tight group, my friends here in Atlanta. [We have a group name (the Nexus) and a battle cry (call: "Dekalb living!" response: "WHAT WHAT!"). Yeah, we're those people.] The amount of support that everyone has given and received has been quintissential of how a family acts. We are a crazy, dysfunctional, kinda incestuous family, and I don't know how I would've gotten through the past few weeks without every one of these marvelous bastards I call my friends.

It still doesn't make any sense to me that Phil isn't a present, local part of that family anymore. That he's not going to call me about coming out to Fellini's on his dinner break, that he's not going to keep me on the phone for an hour describing details from his new Joker Batman video game, that he's not going to try to convince me how much fun I'd have at Bonnaroo, that he's not going to show up late to whoever's party with a case each of Sweetwater 420 and diet Coke.

I love him, all his faults and mine included, and I'm not sure that I ever expressed to him how much I do.

A thing that everyone seems to have been saying is that there isn't enough time, that we need to make more of an effort. To be with each other, to celebrate the things we share, to find joy where we can.

Phil was such a joyful person. When I think of him, the first thing I think of is his laugh, frequent, free, deep, and a little bit sly. Despite being disappointed by the (many) things in his life that didn't go quite as he wished, he found a way to laugh about pretty much everything, and I don't think I ever heard him say anything negative about anyone. (With the exception of Shia LaBeouf, who, to be fair, costarred in three films that stomped all over some of Phil's favorite things.)

Phil's Facebook page has a lot of lovely stories and pictures that've been posted by friends and family. His obituary was in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution on Tuesday the 29th, and they're currently keeping a guestbook online.

A few friends have posted memorials on their own webspaces: Merlin, Matt Anderson, and CJ. If anyone else posted one or knows of another one, post a comment with the link and I'll publish it, too.


In lieu of flowers, Phil’s family has asked that donations be made in Phil’s name to Juvenile Diabetes Foundation, The Faustman Lab of Massachusetts General Hospital, or the charity of your choice.

I’d recommend a donation to Child’s Play, the gamers’ fund & toy drive for children’s hospitals. Phil loved playing games, especially ones that involved messing with his friends’ minds, and he didn't get the chance to teach the next generation the simple, Machiavellian joy of screwing their friends over hardcore within the context of a game, where said friends can’t be too pissed about it. (Hypothetically. I’ll tell you a story sometime about a game of Munchkin). A donation in Phil’s name to Child’s Play is a small assurance that sick kids will a) have fun distractions, and b) learn to be clever dicks. He would've appreciated that.

Phil's flickr -- myspace -- facebook -- livejournal